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Archive for Humor

Nov
14

How Not to Be “People Watched”

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Almost everyone I know enjoys “people watching.” It’s become one of our nation’s favorite past times. Have you ever wondered if you were the focus of other’s people watching? What can people like you and me do to make sure that we are never the object of other’s people watching? Recently my daughters and I composed a working list of do’s and don’ts to make sure that we are never the fodder for the growing amusement. Hopefully some of these suggestions will help you prepare for Christmas shopping this season.

1. Dress your age.
Among those that caused us to take a second glance were those who chose not to dress age appropriately. Of course there are those who dress a little old for their age, middle school kids, and such. But the most noticeable were those who dressed a little young. Honorable mention to women who dress like their adult, married daughters.

2. Wear your size.
I am savvy enough to know that the clothing industry has waved their magic wands to change sizes to lift shoppers spirits, although I still don’t understand how someone could be a size zero let alone a double zero. But let’s be honest. Just because you can button it or zip it doesn’t make it right.

3. Mix in a parenting class.
Toward the top of the leader board are those are challenged by their children’s behaviors in public. Anyone who has kids or had young kids know that shopping with kids can be challenging. Babysitters are not always an option. But seriously. They’re your kids. Watch them. No one else is. While I’m at it let me take a moment to address a personal pet peeve. Please don’t sit your diapered child on the check out counter. Especially in a fast food restaurant. You’re putting your kid’s unchanged diaper precisely where the cashier is going to place the food I will put in my mouth.

4. Use your indoor voice.
You’re not at a football game. You aren’t out of doors. I struggle with this one because I’m a loud talker, so I have to constantly check my volume. Yes, even when I’m speaking on my cell phone.

5. Wear a belt.
This is self explanatory.

6. Stay awake.
I appreciate the fact that department stores put comfy chairs in the women’s section so weary men can find a respite amidst the racks and racks of clothes. Please enjoy the comfy chairs, but stay awake. Guys like me have a hard time keeping daughters like mine from taking pictures of you with your eyes closed and mouth agape.

7. Check the weather.
When it’s 22 degrees outside, no one thinks you’re tough when you wear shorts with or without the UGG boots.

8. Don’t touch stuff.
If you touch stuff you run the risk of knocking over entire displays and everyone will look at you like they did me in Michael’s not too long ago. No matter how cool or graceful you try to look, you’ll be perceived as a klutz. And no one is going to buy the loudly spoken explanation about the defective arrangement of said items.

9. Don’t overreact to sale prices.
While good sales are to be celebrated, use caution with your level of exuberance lest those around you confuse your gasping with a potential health crisis.

Those are nine tips that will help you avoid being the object of others observations.

Categories : Humor
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I saw this today on Jesus Creed and thought it was pretty clever.

12 Reasons Why a Pastor Quit Attending Sports Events

1. The coach never came to visit me.
2. Every time I went, they asked me for money.
3. The people sitting in my row didn’t seem very friendly.
4. The seats were very hard.
5. The referees made a decision I didn’t agree with.
6. I was sitting with hypocrites—they only came to see what others were wearing!
7. Some games went into overtime and I was late getting home.
8. The band played some songs I had never heard before.
9. The games are scheduled on my only day to sleep in and run errands.
10. My parents took me to too many games when I was growing up.
11. Since I read a book on sports, I feel that I know more than the coaches, anyway.
12. I don’t want to take my children because I want them to choose for themselves what sport they like best.

Categories : Humor
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Feb
16

Diary of a Demented Snow Shoveler

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I got this last winter and thought it was really funny. Now that our local news is reporting that we’ve set an all time record for snow fall this winter (57″), I thought I’d share it. Enjoy!

December 8

It started to snow. The first snow of the season and
the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by
the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down
from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So
romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9

We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow
covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in
the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I’ve
ever had!

Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a
boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks.
This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered
up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got
to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12

The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry-
we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on
Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much
snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see
snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such
a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14

Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed
up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is
the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and
buried everything again. I didn’t
realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling,
but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish
I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15

20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4
Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants
a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think
that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16

Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in
the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like crazy. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very
cruel.

December 17

Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go
anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but
stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I
should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to
her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe
I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20

Electricity is back on, but had another 14 inches of
the stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all
day. The stupid snowplow came by twice.
Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said
they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re
lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about
buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have
another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done
and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22

Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more
inches fell today, and it’s so cold,
it probably won’t melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I
had to pee. By the time I got undressed, peed and
dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to
hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of
the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think he’s lying!

December 23

Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house
this morning. What is she, nuts?!!
Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She
says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24

6 inches – Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I
ever catch the guy who drives that snow
plow, I’ll drag him through the snow and
beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he
hides around the corner and waits for me to finish
shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100
miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just
been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas
carols with her and open our presents, but I was too
busy watching for the snowplow!

December 25

Merry Christmas! 20 more inches of the
slop tonight – Snowed in!
The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate
the snow!
Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation
and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife
says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an
idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one
more time, I’m going to stuff her into the microwave!

December 26

Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea.
She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27

Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze;
plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he
only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28

Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The wife is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29

10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or
it could cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30

Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now
he is suing me for a million dollars, not only for the
beating I gave him, but also for trying to bury him in the snow.
The wife went home to her mother.
Nine more inches predicted.

December 31

I set fire to what’s left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8

Feel so good. I just love those little white pills
they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

Categories : Humor, Snow, Winter
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